It has been almost six years, next month in fact, since I last sat down and talked to you. I don't think I've missed you so much until just recently. I know, I know, you can't actually listen or speak to me in so many words, and you can't hold me, and you can't shed a tear with me, but I just need a visit. Is it silly for an almost 69 year old to still need her mother? It really doesn't matter, does it, because I do.
I need to ask you some questions. What did you do when disappointment and hurt slammed your heart against the back of your chest? I know you had these times and that I was the cause of many of them. How did you handle that? Did you talk it out by yourself? Did you sit Daddy down and say, "I need to talk?" Or did you wish for Mama?
How did you feel when your heart was broken? What was your response when you thought you had been so unjustly treated that you were completely depleted of energy? How did you forgive?
My body aches and tears have been so close to the surface that I've almost choked. I've become totally consumed by one of the most nonsensical and avoidable situations I have ever had to face. I can't find a compartment into which I can comfortably tuck this and move on. That tough exterior and ability to handle the tough things is totally evading me.
Laying in bed last night, I think I finally figured it out to some extent. A part of me has died! I feel as if I have experienced the death of my dearest friend. But I can't find her name. I can't exactly put my finger on who she is/was. I only know a part of me died with her.
Do I grieve whatever that loss is? Do I tell myself it doesn't really matter? How do I make myself move on from here? Then, where do I go? Do I fill the void? With what do you refill a hole that today feels like the Grand Canyon? Do you wait for it to seem smaller, or do you forget the refilling and just try to find a way around it?
Mom, I know there really aren't any quick answers, if there are answers at all to my questions and thoughts. But, I do know if you were here, you would hear me out and you would pray with me, and you would seek God's answer for my otherwise unanswerable questions. You would love me and say, "Honey, we will get through this together because that is what families do."
As I opened my Bible this morning, because that is the only source of help I know, I found one of your handwritten notes to me from years ago. I have treasured it and recognize it as being your hug and your heartfelt response to me today.
"Cause me to hear thy loving-kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul to thee. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God." Ps. 143:8, 10
"I will extol Thee, my God, O King; And I will bless Thy name forever and ever. Every day I will bless Thee, and I will praise Thy name forever and ever." Ps. 145: 1,2
"The Lord is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth." Ps. 145:18
Thanks Mom for your wisdom and for being the example to us that you and Dad were and still are. Thank you for instilling in us the love of family and joy of giving. Thank you most of all for teaching us the real source for all questions.